Task
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Candidate’s Answer
This is written by a candidate who achieved a Band 5.0 score.
Nowadays, the people of some countries that have the young people more than the old people. Some people thinks when their contries have the yonge people more than the old people will be good because, that could increases the population in the future. Another people thinks it not good due to some countries limit the population, if that have more young children, it will over limit. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages about in some countries have the young people more than the old people.
One of advantages is increasing the population. In some countries support the family to have more children because that can increases the population in the future. For example, in Singapore, Philiphine and so on. What is more chancing to improve the educations as when they have a lot of young generation, the government could improve a good education. Also, they can develop the systems include the quilified teachers, the good atmosphere.
One of disadvantages is the place for study. If the young generation still a lot, the school will not enough for the study, the government should construct more school. Also, when they have the new schools, the teacher will not enough to teach them. The university should get more student to study about teaching education.
Another disadvantages is the quality of education. If the many students learn in the classroom, the teachers can not take care all. For instance, when they have a problem they will need some help from the teachers. Furthermore, when they grow up, the unemployee problem will happen because the company can not receive everybody to get a job.
In conclusion, in some countries that have the young population more than the old population, the government should manage the education system. Moreover, they should prepare the plans for slowing unemployee problems which can happen in the future.
Examiner’s Comment
The response looks at some advantages and disadvantages of the topic, but does not reach any conclusion. As a result, there is a lack of overall progression, although organisation is evident and cohesive devices are used (though rather mechanically) [One of advantages | For example | Also | Another disadvantage | For instance]. The range of lexis is adequate for the task, however there are often spelling mistakes [contries | yonge | quilified] and errors in word choice or formation [chancing to improve | unemployee problem]. There are attempts to produce complex sentence forms, but there is a lack of grammatical control which can cause some difficulty for the reader [… due to some countries limit the population, if that have more young children it will over limit].
